What my realistic self-care plan looks like in a busy season of life
As an EB mom, graduate student, and full-time employee, I'm tired
The organization where I work is governed by a model that asks each employee to have a self-care plan. Each month, our supervisor is supposed to ask if we’ve been using it and what they can do to help ensure we do so.
Honestly, I don’t even know what’s on my self-care plan anymore. I read a few pages of a book before bed, and I’m always listening to an additional book on Audible. I watch videos of those guys who harmonize in their kitchen with celebrities such as Kristen Bell and Teddy Swims. I put rice in my Cava bowl, gosh darn it, even though I know it’d be healthier for me without it. I send ridiculous memes to my husband, who’s sitting across the room.
Beyond that, I don’t know.
Between working full time, going to graduate school, and taking care of one child, Gideon, who struggles with severe attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and another, Jonah, who has epidermolysis bullosa, I’m pretty spent. I told my husband the other day that my favorite thing to do over the weekend is to take a ridiculously long shower. I wait until no one else needs it, blast my ’90s country, and use up every ounce of hot water. I told him that besides sleeping, those moments in the shower are the only ones that feel like they’re completely mine.
I’m not trying to be dramatic, just stating a fact. It’s one of those “it is what it is” things. It’s a stage of life. Parents are busy. Full-time employees are busy. Students are busy. Moms of medically fragile kiddos are busy. I just happen to be all four at the same time.
What’s on my mind?
“What is one thing you’re going to do for yourself today?” a well-meaning friend asked recently.
“Uh. Um. I’m going to close my door so no one talks to me so I can get work done?” I suggested.
She insisted I try again.
“I’m going to try really hard not to yell at Gideon when I get home and he hasn’t done his homework? I’m going to listen to nature sounds in my headphones while I write my paper tonight?” I quipped. “I’m not good at this.”
It’s not that I have zero time. But between the busyness of life and my anxiety, I find it extremely hard to relax in the free minutes I do find.
My brain wakes me up at 3 a.m., actively attempting to figure out the best way to catalog our digital files at work. My eyes spring open, and I’m writing the perfect introductory paragraph for our impact report. Maybe in that work interaction earlier today, I was too much. Did they think I was too much? Are there cities in North Carolina that start with each letter of the alphabet? Letter Q, you are stupid.
If it’s not work stuff, it’s life stuff.
I need to change our address on Jonah’s Medicaid card. Did I charge the boys’ laptops? Crap, I forgot to reorder bandages. Is Gideon’s gym uniform clean? I have to remember to call in that prescription tomorrow. I think I left a package on the front porch! I need to order our moms’ Mother’s Day gifts. Why is this earworm of a song stuck in my head at 4 a.m.? The lion may be sleeping tonight, but I’m definitely not.
I’m 43, and I’m tired. My knees hurt. It’s hard to squat. My clothes fit tighter than they should. I don’t drink enough water. I know I should walk outside. I’m sure a meditation app would help. I get that playing a board game with my kids would be better than doomscrolling. I know. I do. But when you’re exhausted, it’s hard to take the first step toward a better version of yourself.
I know that much of this weariness is a life stage. Jonah will become more independent. At some point, Gideon will start caring whether he fails science. Grad school will be over in a year. My team at work will meet the deadline.
Things will get better.
But right now, I’m tired and a bit stuck. And getting unstuck will take a lot of energy. Maybe one day soon, I’ll take the next step. But for now, I’ll choose the best books on Audible, use up all the hot water, and eat the rice.
Note: Epidermolysis Bullosa News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Epidermolysis Bullosa News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to epidermolysis bullosa.
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